Getting stuff off my chest - June writing 2023

                                                          June Writing 

1) What is causing you stress right now? Right now I am trying to balance everything in my life - work 35-40hrs per week, study every day, exercise, learn how to drive and then I have to try to balance my free time so that I can relax but at the same, I am trying to have a social life as well, because otherwise whats the point? sometimes I feel mentally exhausted and feel like I am neglecting my writing but by the time I finish, I want to relax. 

2) How do you feel at this moment? The last few days I have felt emotionally irritated with everybody and the smallest thing has been getting to me. I think I need time away from social media at the moment hence why I have deleted everything to focus on the present. Nothing significant has happened, but I think it has something to do with hormones. 

3) What would make you happy right now? To be honest I could do with a physical outlet. Life at the moment has been pretty full-on since moving home. 

4) What do I need to get off my chest? I still want answers to why a certain somebody had ghosted me. I feel as if I have no right to get closure because our situation wasn't even physical, but I feel like I put myself out there and gave somebody an emotional investment and overstepped the boundaries I have in place to not go through that. It really hurt my ego and has made me feel closed off. Therefore I want answers to why because there was no reason, no matter how many times I relayed our last conversations. 

5) What are you thankful for right now? I am thankful that I am in a good financial situation that allows me to do what I want if and when I want. I am really grateful that a couple of months ago things were way different and now I have holidays booked and regular plans with people. 

6) What are you scared of? To be honest, I am scared to be emotionally vulnerable. I get most people are scared of rejection, but for me, I am petrified of it. I'm the type of girl who would rather walk away from something that could be amazing because I'm scared of opening up truly. I created what I call ''emotional boundaries'' which in some situations are great to have but on the other hand, I sometimes think this can prevent me from meeting the right people. 

7) What are you passionate about? I'm not really passionate about the obvious topics (I.e politics) but I am a firm believer in free choice and non-judgment. Something I despise is society's opinions on promiscuous women. Because I don't care what anyone says, everybody secretly judges it because we are conditioned to believe ''women cannot separate their feelings.'' sometimes we are victimised and stereotyped because of it and I think there is nothing wrong with it as long as it is always consensual and protected. 

8) What is one of your values? HONESTY.... One thing nobody can ever tell me is that I am dishonest. I will always tell the truth and be honest with how I am feeling because I'd rather communicate it than hide away and let it bottle inside of me. Don't want me? fine, I'd rather you tell me. Don't like my outfit? Fine. Don't like the way you're behaving? Again fine because you've openly communicated that. 

9) How do I relax? One of the most relaxing things for me is to write and release things off my chest and to be imaginative and get lost into another reality. Writing this right now feels so rewarding and I am going to make a conscious effort to write my books again. 

10) What are the small things that make you happy? For me, the small things mean the most to me. All the little details add up and make you feel happy. I love being in the sun reading a good book drinking a cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette. I also love being in fresh PJs and just watching videos and cutting off everything and anything. 

11) How would you like people to describe you? To be real, every single person's ego wants to be validated so for me working with this concept, I just want people to know me for my authentic self. Everyone will have their own opinion because I show a face that's different to everybody I meet. I would say though, being known as 'real' is something I would like to be remembered as. 

12) Who do you love? My parents hands down. They are two people in this world that I generally believe love me unconditionally. Of course, everybody has faults and to some people, they may see us as ''too close'' but I would rather have the memories one day and know I spent all that quality time with them than live with regrets. 

13) What gives you a sense of satisfaction? Achieving. I am somebody who always believes you can do better in life. I never give up and I will continue to try to be a better and stronger person by learning and stepping out of my comfort zone. 

14) Are you looking to settle down? 23 is a mad age because you see half of your peers happily settling down whilst the others are still living their best lives. I am in the middle because I feel like I have really levelled up and know what I want and who I am in a relationship and I am not willing to settle. But at the same time, I do enjoy being single and not having to think of another person. At times both places can make you feel lonely, so for me right now I want to just go with the flow and things will work out when they are meant to.

15) What are you proud of? Me. I have my faults and things are not always rosy but I do think I have experienced a lot for somebody my age and I still continue to build resilience and am excited but nervous for my next adventure and step out of my comfort zone by starting to work in the UK and look for employment here in Septemeber. 

Erin x