How do I personally get over break-ups?

                                                               Break-ups

                                           '' The termination of a relationship'' 

When you end your relationship with somebody whether it was you who ended it or not it can be a rollercoaster of emotions - You can feel sad, you can feel angry, you could feel heartbroken you could even feel relief. The list of adjectives is endless. 

The one thing remains the same though, your emotional contract has been terminated. ''Your person'' is no longer yours, you can become strangers overnight. Talking could be awkward and void of emotion because you no longer have the same thing in common. Your emotional investment hasn't paid off or it was never invested, to begin with. Relationships are complicated and every single relationship you enter into will never be the same as your previous one. So stop comparing them. 

If you are anything like me, we tend me to compare our emotional investments based on endless qualities and opinions you have about what you are looking for in someone. Is the chemistry good enough compared to him? Does he have better qualities than him? Is he a better person? Is he funnier? Is he as good-looking as him? Etc... This I have learned over time is not healthy. You should stop trying to compare because who this one is will not be the same as your last one. At the end of the day, you broke up with them for a reason - good or bad. You need to let go of the past emotionally and physically in order to grow for your next one. 

Sadly, not every relationship will be the perfect match and you have to live and let go of people who are not serving you, what you think you deserve. You will go through breakups where there is unrequited love, rejection, heartache, thinking you found the one, people with emotional baggage, differences etc.. As the saying goes ''You will have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince''. This is healthy and grieving over people you thought would be in your life forever is okay. You are allowed to cry, be angry, and shut people out. But there will come a time when you need to get your shit together and move on. 

I think having relationships with such a wide range of ethnicities, religions, and cultures has helped me see the differences in the people  I have dated so far. Because being open-minded is so important for further growth because you can learn so much from different people with different life paths and you can learn the qualities that you want as well as the qualities you do not want. Vice versa you learn the qualities that are both positive and negative in yourself; it can help shape you to be a better version.

I suppose I get this wisdom from experience, I am not saying at 23 years old I have to be right, but to me, this is the right for me now. Who I will be at 30 will be a different Woman from who I am today and when I'm 40 will be a different Woman from who I was at 30. Therefore I am giving this advice based on the ways I cope right now with breakups with people. 

                                                            Unrequited love 

Loving or caring for somebody, who does not feel or give the same love back can be crucifying and soul- destroying. To know you would give anything to make it work with this person and they treat you like nothing or give that love to somebody else, can be the most heart-wrenching experience that can negatively affect future relationships, because you shut yourself off from emotions in fear of hurt. Been there - advice on this, let this relationship go. Yes, you would give anything to have them love you back, but you will never get that emotion that you crave. Let them go, because if somebody does not love you then you cannot force that love. Stop buying their love, craving their attention, and posting how amazing your life is on social media. You will not get the response you are hoping for and there will be someone out there that will appreciate you for you.

                                                            Emotional baggage 

Have you ever loved someone with emotional baggage? Me too. As much as you love them for their amazing qualities, if you are not emotionally ready for their baggage let the relationship go. Because you will not be able to serve them the attention and energy that they need and in the process, you will damage your energy and aura and feel drained. I cared deeply for somebody once, who needed to find himself and get help. I couldn't give him what he needed then and now I think he has found someone that can and I am genuinely happy for him. On the reverse, if you have emotional needs that need to be addressed, go get help. This will lead to positivity in your relationships in the future. ''How can you expect somebody to love you if you do not love yourself''  True. 

                                                             Nothing in common

Have you ever been with somebody where when you think about it - you have nothing in common? me too. Sometimes, you can dismiss the good qualities in a person because you can not relate to them because you do not share similar interests, opinions, and, values. Sometimes opposites attract, this is correct and I agree but do you hold the same values? This is the clue word and the one you need to make sure you are on the same level. Otherwise, you will be left frustrated because you will never get what you want from them and vice versa. Do not be with someone, for the sake of a relationship. If somebody does not suit you, do not waste valuable time focusing on something that will never work. 

                                                            Sexual chemistry only 

If you have never read my blog on my sexual chemistry opinions - I suggest you go check this out! Have you ever had a chemistry that you cannot describe in words? They may not be your type, but do you have this connection that is so powerful it controls your thoughts? This is scientific it is from the chemicals released from your brain when you have sex with them. Do not get confused with lust and love. Work out what you actually have in common with this person - If you have both then you have hit the jackpot! but very rare and usually burns out just as quick as the fire started. If you do break up, let it go and see it for what it was. This one can hurt one of the most. You can act in ways that surprise you negatively because it is such a powerful force. 

So after describing, some of the common break-up situations what do I actually do to help myself when I break up? Well, I have developed a coping mechanism regardless if I was invested in my last relationship or not. You need to have some personal healing and reflecting afterward in order to grow and move on to your next situation. 

                                                               My Do's 

*These are not in order*

 1) Invest in well-being - Right, you may be sad or even relieved. But you have just spent a certain amount of time with someone else. Your life revolved around involving them, but where was your time? You lost focus on you and only you. So now you need to do things that make YOU happy. Go to the gym, go out with friends, cry watching sad films. Invest in things that you know will serve you well. 

 2) Talk - Do not bottle up your feelings. Who cares if you have spoken to your best friend 100 times about the same situation?. It is better out than bottled up. If your friend is not very sympathetic then you need to find a friend that will be, fake friends will not care and listen. 

3) Have fun - Have a night out or two or even have a bender all weekend. If having fun is what you need, then nothing is stopping you. Just be careful because you will go downhill for a little bit because the drink is also depressive. 

4) Enjoy your physical life - Stop social media for a bit, comparing is unhealthy and I try not to do it. If you want to check social media, focus on the people you actually know on it, not the celebrities. If you start the comparison then you will feel even more shit. Especially if you have just left a relationship that affected negatively your self-esteem. Check up on the people around you face to face and focus on the stuff in front of you. 

5) Invest in your health - Nothing beats feeling sexy and powerful. When you no longer have your ex to tell you how sexy you are, feel it in yourself. Eat right, sleep right, and gym right.  You'll find when you are happy in yourself people will be attracted to that energy.

6)Invest in your spiritual self - Look, I do not mean you have to get into tarot cards and crystals like me, but focus on your soul and let it heal. I write in a journal every day (or try too) especially when I am feeling emotional. I like letting it out, it may help you too. 

7) Take a break - Rest is so important. You will feel worn out after a break up so take a break. Don't want to go out? Don't. Want a lay-in? Do? Don't want to talk to anyone? Don't. You are on your own now, so the single benefits are that you can do what you want, with who you want, when you want. 

                                                                Don't 

1) Rebound - If you have read my blog about rebounding - I do not recommend doing this. Do not get under someone to get over someone. Disaster because you will end up getting over and recovering from two relationships. If you want to have a one-night stand or a fling because you feel you had not gotten the sexual gratification from your ex, then why not I have loads of times. I prefer uncomplicated, just make sure you are ready to do this. From my last relationship, I am not right now but you never know what will happen from one week to the next. 

2) Pressured - Do not feel pressured to do something you are not ready emotionally to do. Do not let anybody force you to take or do something, because it is the thing everyone else is doing. Know your limits and know when you are ready to take one. A lot of people feel peer pressured. Do not take the risk. 

3) Excess - I love nights out single. Nothing beats doing what you want with who you want. But what comes with a breakup is loneliness. Even if you are not lonely, you can still feel it. Because at the end of the day you have spent time and developed a routine with someone. So it is easy to go party every night and numb the pain. Do not do this, only go out if that is what you want to do. But know your limits, and rest. All the drinking and partying gets tiring and you can wear yourself out and negatively affecting your healing progress. Know when to stop and break. I have recently been partying non-stop since my breakup and now it is time to rest. 

4) Recluse - It is so easy to recluse into a shell. You will usually find you extrovert yourself post- breakup and when the healing begins you begin to recluse. Do try to stop this, when you begin to feel you are closing in. I have recently given myself a break, and if I do not watch it I will recluse myself so I know I need to get back out there. Try going for walks in public, or doing day-to= day things it does not have been partying. We are a species that needs stimulation. I am going to the spa and gym tomorrow, it will do me good. I will also make sure I speak to people on the phone tomorrow tonight and socialise. 

So here you have it, this is MY opinion on breakups and how I personally deal with them. I am not saying I am right, somebody else may have a completely different opinion to me. That is okay as long as you respect other viewpoints. 

I created my blogs, for two purposes 1) it is therapeutic for me, and if I am going to write about them, I might as well share them. 2) For people out there who do not feel they have people whom can talk about their situations with. My inbox is always open. 

Erin x