Honesty = The Good & The Bad & The Embarrassing.

                                                               Honesty 

Hi Guys! Welcome to another blog, as I always say everything that I write about is 100% authentic. As a disclaimer, if you do not like what I have to say then I recommend not to carry on reading. 

Do you ever feel de-motivated? for ages, I have felt lost in what I wanted to write about. Life has been so busy and I have been focusing on the present a lot at the moment especially due to being busy with work, but do you ever get a spur-of-the-moment Epiphany where you feel this otherworldly motivation towards something? I was having a conversation earlier about a topic that I will address shortly, and I thought I might as well be honest about everything that I am thinking at the moment. 

If you have ever read any of my previous blogs, you can see a pattern. I am very honest about my opinions, thoughts, and feelings. I am a real open book, and I love being able to express my emotions through writing. I don't expect my writing to go on the cover of a magazine, hell I don't even care about that but if I could help relate to somebody going through a similar situation or to help someone be able to express themselves more openly then I know I am doing something right. 

To be honest, I think being honest is one of the most important characteristics somebody can have. It is important to be able to see the wrong and the right, the good and the bad. This is what helps us grow as individuals. Nobody is perfect, every single person on the planet will make mistakes or have something that is bad or embarrassing that they hate sharing. But it is also ok to not be perfect. I feel that in this day and age, we have to showcase ourselves as ''perfect'' and, that trying to maintain this perfection is hard work and emotionally draining, hence why people eventually crash and burn. 

So I thought fuck it! I am going to share things today that I consider embarrassing about myself, I am also going to share the bad traits I have but for self-love, I am also going to write about things that I love about myself. I recommend doing this yourself, even if you never share it with anybody this can help you emotionally release your feelings and of course, if you feel motivated enough share it with your loved ones! 

                                                  Embarrassing things about myself. 

1) I get embarrassed talking in other languages - This sounds crazy I know because I am currently living abroad, but I hate speaking in other languages because I am a perfectionist. I like to know what I am going to say and because I can't speak perfectly in the language I get scared that they do not understand me and start to overthink and then up talking in English. Don't get me wrong I understand a lot but I find my thinking and speaking gets jumbled up. I have good days where it comes out easy but others I struggle with. Then I start overthinking and convince myself they are judging me and I hate the feeling. 

2) I suffer from extra sweating on my hands - if you have ever seen my parm hand it is always red especially in the summer! as much as I hate admitting this because this is personal, it makes me extra conscious which I think is a form of anxiety, things like shaking peoples hands makes me extra nervous building up to this because I worry they will notice and again judge me for it. This can affect me not wanting to hold somebodies hands or to touch them if we are on a date. For some reason, this has gotten worse over the years, sometimes they are not affected at all, but in the summer is awful. I may not show being nervous, but I know when I am feeling nervous because my hands begin to sweat which panics me even more. I am currently researching how to improve this because it is getting out of hand and affecting me. 

3) Wearing bodycon clothes - I'm not quite sure if this is embarrassing, but I do not feel comfortable in real tight tight-fitting clothes. Even at my thinnest I still did not like wearing them. 1) I feel really hot in these types of clothes 2) They are hard to take off 3) (I don't body shame!! everyone is entitled to wear what they want) however in my opinion, bodycon only looks nice if you have a flat stomach. It does not look sexy when you are bigger. I will never have a total flat stomach, I have come to terms with this years ago. My body type is not that way inclined which is fine. However my stomach is my conscious area, therefore I will not wear something that I look in the mirror and am not happy with. I like wearing flowy dresses which are sexy, but comfortable. 

4) Confrontations & Argue in public - I find confrontations very uncomfortable, especially in public. I will refuse to argue scream and shout in public with an audience. 1) I find this very uncomfortable 2) I find this belittling and 3) My argument does not concern others.  We can scream and shout at home or in a private place but not in front of others. And if you do this, your an arsehole sorry. 

5) Being centre of attention - I have always hated being the centre of attention. Drama lessons were my biggest nightmare. Although I would be a good actress and my drama teachers thought the same I actually get stage fright because I hate people looking at me. The same goes walking into a room and a lot of people looking at you makes me feel uncomfortable. 

                                                      Things I love about me 

The emphasis of self-love is so important. You will never be happy if you are not happy internally. Fighting your demons are one of the hardest challenges you can face, but yourself will be with you until you die. Therefore you need to show yourself, love, you need to face your fears, have a stand-off with your demons and get on with it. Every person on the planet will go through hardships but this is the deal we are handed in life. The only predictable things are taxes and death. 

SO? What do I love about myself? 

1) I have a curiosity about life - where do we come from? what is our purpose? what comes first the chicken or the egg? ... I feel I am very open-minded and anything can be possible until proven right. 

2) I'm interested in learning - I love learning about anything from culture - to people - to facts. My mind is always finding new ideas and concepts and I love learning. 

3) I'm an active listener - One thing I have recently learnt is to actively listen to others - people love to talk about them. It is very easy to listen but to relate by talking about yourself. I now truly listen to others and let them do the talking. 

4) Facing fears & accepting them - I understand life is full of possibilities therefore I know I have to face hardships and accepting them for what they are. I feel I am an old soul in a 23- year -old body/ 

5) I care about what I look like (but for me) I love beauty, it is a massive factor in my life but I am not here to look good for others. I have learnt a long time ago to fuck off what people think of me. I wear, dress, act how I want to be. I don't care what people think, I care what I think and feel. 

6) I'm not materialistic - Don't get me wrong I am not tight  I love spending money and I love shopping with a passion! But I refuse to buy from a multi-billon pound business when I can help small businesses to grow. I think designer stuff is a pile of crap anyway ( but I do think Versace stuff is pretty). I hate expensive cars, give me that Fiat 500 now!! 

7) I am grateful for what I have - I have a roof over my head, I have a loving family, a few close friends and I earn money. What more could you ask for? 

8) I love how I dress. Sorry but I am glam; I think I wear lovely colours, my dress sense is classy but sexy and I love high heels. I would wear them to the gym if I could. I like to stand out and be trendsetter not follow the in crowed. 

9) I am proud to be who I am - I think this is important. I still have forever to still find myself but I like the direction I am heading in. I am who I am and I am not changing. 

Erin x