Letting go of you, but I'm waiting for the one to replace you.

                                                                First Love 

''The Saddest end to a relationship is the one where you have to break up with somebody when you're still in love with them. It sounds bizarre but it happens, because the truth is, as powerful and thrilling and as wonderful it may be, love isn't always enough. To be in love doesn't always mean you are happy. You can continue to love someone even after they have hurt you, but you know deep inside yourself that it won't ever be the same again, so, at some point, you have to let them go. When is the right time? you never know. That's the sad part too. You just have to walk to the edge of it all and jump. Learning to grow back the wings you once had on the way down. 

                                                                               Anonymus 

Hey all, welcome back to a new blog. 

I'm going to talk about the ''one who got away'' but did he? Is this a figure of my imagination? Do my memories and mind shape him into this character? if you have read about my blog ''Lust or love you?'', this blog is a carry on from there. As mentioned previously, these blogs are not to diss or slate ex-boyfriends of mine, but to explain, summarise and grow from past relationships both for me and to help those who have gone through similar situations to me.

                                                                     Dreams 

Dreaming about your ex/ex's what does this mean? why am I dreaming about someone I had a relationship with three years ago? Is this a sign? millions of questions go through your mind when you repeatedly dream about the person you still hold a torch for. Your first thought in the morning is to type this shit into google and get some answers. 

A professional will try to convince you with scientific possibilities on why you're dreaming about your ex, but there is a lingering feeling in your thoughts and subconsciousness that this must be a sign that your ex is thinking about you too, because why on earth would you be thinking about them suddenly after so long?. The truth? there is no reason. You could go years without thinking about someone and then bam you have a dream and your mind convinces yourself this is a sign, you belong with this person, your end up being with this person etc.. you begin to forget why you broke up in the first place and your paint this person into a ''saint'' like being; putting them on a pedestal they don't belong on. 

The reason why I had an overwhelming desire to write this blog, was due to the dreams I have recently had for the past couple of days. VIVID dreams. HAPPY dreams. CONTENT dreams. With this person; in reality? I'm over him. We broke up for a reason. I went through the breakup process and I grew from him. So why do I feel so content in these dreams? Angry to be woken up from them? To feel such strong emotions? probably because once upon a time; they did it for you. You did have strong feelings for them. Your memory is a beautiful thing; it remembers the good times. 

I haven't spoken to him since earlier in the year. When we spoke (he got into touch with me but I was in a relationship) I was conflicted. On one half I had a boyfriend; who I felt I was disrespecting, but on the other hand, I had the guy I literally believed I was in love with, the one I was going to marry once upon a time. Contact me after so long; I think it was a test on his behalf, to see if we still had that connection. But we didn't, I felt content and I had closure from speaking with him. But..

Every time we speak, I always end the conversations with a heavy feeling in my chest. I can go on with my every day, I'm not physically and emotionally sad. But I feel angry because we could have had something amazing, and I blame him for 85% of the breakup. I'm angry he ''did it for me'', and nothing came out of it apart from heartache. I'm angry that I gave up on us ''too early'. I'm angry I still can't seem to throw away the pictures of us. I'm angry that he once was so open emotionally with me, and now all we do is exchange pleasantries. I'm angry he's now a stranger. I'm angry that I compare him to everyone and I'm angry I can't seem to shake it off. 

We once were so close, we shared everything together, we were lovers and best friends so how do you go from that to strangers? Why does a dream harbour feelings I thought I shook?

But looking back on people before him; there was another guy ''who did it for me''. I felt that it took me a long time to find someone with his qualities and I did in ''Him'' I'm aiming this blog at. Therefore, it just takes time to meet someone who does it for you. 

Does it for you? What does this mean? A person who emotionally, physically, mentally and psychologically ''gets you''. You share similar personalities, you are physically and sexually attracted to, you can have mentally interesting conversations, you feel comfortable. They tick a lot of boxes. 

I personally find this quite hard, I've met good guys, ok guys and bad guys along the way since him. The same goes for the gap in between the first guy who ''did it for me'' and ''him''. But none of them ''got me'' like these and that's ok. Things happen. Compatibility takes time and isn't always easy to find.

I've realised I haven't lost the one who got away, but I'm letting go of a person that was ''for me''. We could have - past tense. But we didn't have, as it ended. But I'm waiting for the next one ''for me''. The one that ticks those boxes wholeheartedly (at least 75% of the box). ''Him'' will be a distant memory and a fond one of that. 

We like to shape, mould and remember the ''ideal guy/girl''. We convince ourselves one had gotten away but they went away because the karmic relationship was ready to let go of them. We needed to grow; apart. Sometimes love and emotions are not enough to keep someone, and that's ok. 

Adversity makes you stronger, growth can only happen if you allow the negative to break away, to make something beautiful and strong. 

Erin