How do you see yourself?

                                                          Body Dysmorphia (BDD)

“[...] I look in the mirror every day when I brush my teeth or wash my face or comb my hair. It's just I tend to look at myself in pieces and avoid joining them up altogether. I don't know why; it just feels safer that way. But tonight I force myself to look at the whole thing. And suddenly I see how the bits and pieces add up to someone I'm not familiar with, someone I never intended to be.”

― Kathleen Tessaro, Elegance

I could give you the terminological definition of what Body Dysmorphia is, I could explain to you the psychological aspects of the condition but is this important? Does explaining the terminology, truly help you to understand how millions of people with different gender identifies, see themselves every time they look in the mirror? The answer is no, you will never understand how a person feels when they look in the mirror, or when they look at themselves in a photo. 

Does Body Dysmorphia underline that you aren't confident in yourself? Absolutely not, I know many confident people including myself to a degree,  how viewing your physical self does not impact your life in other ways. 

Take me - I would say I'm a pretty confident person in many ways; I can be myself in public, I dress how I want to dress regardless that my friends dress in a different way to me. I teach and train big companies, I put myself in situations that can be daunting but sometimes I look in the mirror and all of these things diminishes, and I feel self-conscious. 

If you have ever read any of my previous blogs; then you would see that I have always struggled with my weight. To many people, they think it is no big deal, especially my family. Because I have never put on drastic weight to make a huge difference, a lot of people believe this is ''no big deal, you can lose it'' and in retrospect this is true. I have a lot of willpower so when ''enough is enough'' I mean it. But weight is a trigger for me, so when someone notices ''You've put on weight'' these comments kill my self-confidence and all the things I have tried to let go of in the past, come back with vengence. 

People don't realise, Women especially that comments in adolescence can impact your life in so many ways. I have let go of all of the negative energy, the mean comments friends would make in arguments back in the day but sometimes when your feel low, these comments can come back and haunt you. There is that little devil in the back of your subconscious that nags you about all the nasty things people have made.

My biggest critic? My biggest supporter? My Mum. Her comments can get to me the most and in other ways can be the biggest confidence boost. My Mum knows my weight is a big deal for me (lesser now) so when she sees me going for the chocolate bar, she will make a comment for the greater good, although it really annoys me at the time. When she sees I have gained some weight, she is the first to point it out. Again it frustrates me and I go on to resent her for the comments even though I know she is saying them because she loves me. It is so strange as your loved one's comments can hurt you the most, I think it is because you love them so much. When you love someone, you are become a people pleaser. You want the affirmative that things are well and good, so when you get the opposite, you can't handle it as well and you get on the defensive. 

Body Dysmorphia is a thing. It's real. When it flares up - I hate looking in the mirror, getting ready in the morning becomes a chore, I hate taking photos and I feel unsexy to the point where I dress in boring, loose clothes because I feel more comfortable showing less skin. It is honestly the worst feeling in the world. 

I suppose in a way, it is a form of being depressed. When I get my flares, like how I feel right now then nothing feels right. I'm irritated, snappy and irrational. I feel constantly tired and all I want to do is hide in my bed and not face the world. 

Because I know when I'm starting to feel low, I know how to cope with this and to do things that get rid of this feeling, but sometimes it can be so hard to get out of your ''funk''. To actually look in the mirror and feel damn good can be so hard. 

People tell me I'm stunning, beautiful, sexy etc all the time (sorry but I'm being honest) and these compliments are great, fantastic. But when my Dysmorphia is playing up it is hard to believe these things because I'm feeling low. The hardest part of it is to feel motivated. It can be hard to get up, and go out with the feeling like everyone is staring at you; they're looking at the parts of your body you're trying to cover and hide. It makes you want to recluse in your home, in your comforts. 

I still fit into all my clothes, so I know it isn't that much to lose, but it is more about the feeling of being comfortable in anything that you wear. It is hard not to pick up that comfort food; the food that tases so good but is so bad at the same. The food that gives you comfort and eases the boredem. 

Feeling self-consious is horribe, because you notice every imperfection. You try to hide behind the filter photo, you hide behind the baggy clothes and you try to hide from the mirror. You notice your flaws when your looking into the computer screen on zoom, you notice your flaws in the mirror in the salon. You hide behind your acrylics, false eyelashes and hair. You get irritated when your hair isnt going the right way, your size 6 jeans dont fit anymore, so in the process of trying them on your getting hot. 

This all sounds depressing right? This is how body image when its at a low point can make you feel. I think there are things that can trigger you and it is important to be aware of them and also to be aware of ways you know will help you feel better.

For me regular workouts (in the gym especially), staying hydrated, eating nutritional food and looking out for your overall well-being (doing things you love) can help maintain a healthy balance. Trival and mundane things can sometimes through you out of the loop. Im someone that needs a routine and balance to function well in order to live my ''best life''. 

Sometimes you need to put things as a priority; for me recently it has been soley on my career and establishing myself, that I can tend to neglect other important aspects such as my social life and overall health. For me right now, this needs to take a priority and my career to be more on a backburner. 

My body weight, will always be a key feature in my life. I can't change overnight, but I have come a long way since I was younger. I know what should be a healthy balance and I will do what I can to help that. Falling into a rabbithole is not an option for me; it can through your life totally inbalance. 

Would I say I feel depression? No. Would I say things can sometimes get on top of me and can cause me to feel depressed? Yes. 

I believe, everyone in some shape or form has gone through a similar if not the same situation as me, but it is all about self-love and apperciation for the things you do that can help you improve your current situation. 

Being honest and open about vunlerable and sensitive topics, can help reduce your stress and allow you to feel more comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. Topics like this, should be addressed more. Is it easy for me to be vunlerable like this and share how I feel? absoutely not, I had showing weakness, sadness or ''bad vibes'' but in order to feel ''good vibes'' you have to dig deep into your soul and identify and bring to the surface, the bad as well as the good. 

Confidence, happiness and well-being can only be maintained if there is a balance. You need to explore your weaknesses and strengths and play on them. Sometimes a bad situation can have a silver lining and you can come out of it smelling of roses. 

Learning to be happy in yourself, takes time, dedication and love. Flowers only grow when they are in a healthy environment and that is the same for humans too. 

Nobody should feel alone, or go through these things on their own. We need to become more accepting in order for stigmas to stop. I believe honestly is the best policy and I will continue to go through life with that attitude, in order for me to grow just like flowers and the environment. 

I hope this blog, can help someone out there who has been or currently going through this kind of struggle. 

Erin x