Weight Issues

                                                           Weight Journey 

The weight of a person can really affect the way a person feels about themselves especially for girls in my opinion. 

We have so many definitions of the ''perfect weight'' by reading things like blogs, articles and magazines where people define beauty by comparing every-day normal girls to celebrities (who have been air-brushed)  and now in the past couple of years we've been defining ourselves and the way others perceive us by basing it on looking at ''insta models''. This can make people feel like shit, especially when you see the guy or girl liking that particular person's picture... 

School is another place, where comments people make can impact people (even for the rest of your life!) both negatively and positively. Adolescents is a really funny thing, as whilst you are learning and growing, comments that other people make, can harmfully impact somebodies emotional well-being and self-esteem. 

Although I relatively look back on my school years as fun, there was a couple of moments that even to do this day deep down have affected the way I see myself- in particular my weight. 

Some girls (in this case) I look back on now and laugh, had impacted my life in ways that was good but also bad. Looking back now, it was definitely jealousy. Though I consider myself just to be a normal girl, I do know (not bigheadly but confidently) that I am not the ugliest flower in the garden; however my weight has fluctuated which sometimes can get me down. 

When I was little, I had never been the skinniest girl in the class - in primary school I had what you called ''puppy fat'' - this affected my confidence combined with the choices I made in friends which will be talked about in another blog of mine had made feel quite timid and shy whilst I was in primary school. On top of this when I was 10 and a half I started my period and started developing much younger than the rest of the girls. 

By the time I got to secondary school, I had lost all my puppy fat and I was pretty thin as me and all my friends were always out especially hanging around all of Hove, therefore I was exercising (unintentionally) though continuing to eat a lot of chocolate (an achievement!). By year 8 my weight had gotten bigger because I got grounded over the summer - another blog for another day. But at this point this hadn't affected me in any shape or form. 

By year 9 though, I had moved to another school in a school that I would personally say had more white ethnicities than foreign therefore pretty much most of the girls in my year was defined as ''Tall and Skinny'' which was very opposite to myself! 

Im tiny in height thanks to my Indian heritage at 5'1 (152cm) and I was not skinny - though petite around my upper body and hips with my legs being fairly well sized and with tanned skin. 

I think types change on a regular basis - now is in fashion to look like you just stepped off a beach, back then a lot of the boys liked the skinny ones and all my friends was basically that - this though I never admitted sometimes made me feel uncomfortable as I wanted to try look like them but I knew that would never be possible. Around this time I was a size 10-14 which although is not big at all it does not fit my body type. It made me feel kinda insecure knowing my friends were able to swap all of these clothes, but for me at the time I couldn't fit into any of them, it did make me feel left out. 

On top of this, this certain group of ''friends'' at the time, whenever we would argue would always make comments about my weight and me being ''FAT'' or she ''has a pretty face, but is big'' After a constant year of this shit, I finally had enough of it. I remember walking out of the school gate and swearing to myself when I come back in year 10 I will have lost weight. 

I spent all summer working out and by this point I began loving my body again. I came back the next year and all the horrible comments by these girls had stopped. At this point, I had stopped caring about others opinions and that was that. 

It kinda came back again the insecurities - I started the gym with my friend who was obsessed with trying to look like Kim Kardashian; we started going to a body-builder gym where all the older women had really beautiful bodies and it made me feel inadequate. I look back now at this and laugh because now if I returned to that gym though I would appreciate a good body, it wouldn't effect the way I saw myself.

By year 11, my priorities had completely changed as I was focused on getting my GCSES and keeping fit for health reasons - School, Study, Food, Study, Exercise, Read and fall asleep. By this point unintentionally I had lost a lot of weight and was beginning to tone all parts of my body - Many thanks to Charlotte Crosby 3 minute abs. 

By time college had come - I got into my first serious boyfriend who was 5 years older than me, who for his own reasons loved the gym, so we worked out together a lot. I was confident in myself and my weight and everything was cool... however, there is a dark side to exercise people don't mention about. 

I became obsessed with the gym and the feeling it gave me. It became very addicting; it wasn't just because I could see how my body was toning but it was the mental power it gave me. Even to do this day, I adore exercising because it helps give me a clear mind. But it needs to be in moderation, otherwise it can spiral out of control; which it did to me. 

I could be exercising up to 3+ hours day; even not stopping on rest day because my body physically ached until I began exercising. I began to count every calorie I took and at one point for about 6 months I became Bulimic until I broke down one day and told my Mum. Vegetable soup became the main food intake of diet (I hate it now) and I started becoming very boney in areas that my body type just isn't built for.  

You see one part of my body I hate is my stomach; No matter how extreme I diet and exercise there is just some stubborn fat that just won't go away. Its an area i've grown to accept and began to love, but it was to an extreme I wouldn't even let my boyfriends touch it because physical touch there was unbearable. Though really it isn't that bad especially from its side angle I just hated it; I've become much more accepting that it is part of me (I let people touch it now, especially when i'm having a stomach ache)

Though the extremeness of the gym became less, It was still a massive part of my life and I would say around the age of 18-19 my body was at its healthiest. But I look back on it now, and I wasn't as happy as I am now writing this blog back then. 

I realise now that exercise should be in moderation but still continues to be a big part of my life for now and for the rest of my life. 

When I moved to Spain; I realised that there was more to life than counting every calorie you take. I became more accepting of my body and I started doing more home exercises for less hours. It went up and down but now I know my happy medium. 

I know when ''im getting uncomfortable'' with my weight and I make positive changes very quickly now. I go to the gym around 4-5 times per week and I try to walk a lot to stay pro-active. I eat mcdonalds regularly, I need my chocolate fix every day and I also try to eat fruit and vegetables when I can. I now know my limits and when I need to hold back, which I feel is a positive step. I now exercise for mental reasons rather than physical. 

I look at my body and feel happy. I'm a healthy weight; toned in the right places but also a little bigger in others. I am the size 6-8 my body type (pettiness areas) should be. I know the type of clothing that suits my body; flowy but sophisticated and sexy. 

I don't care what others opinions are of me, I don't look at girls with better bodies and compare them with mine (I do appreciate a good body though) and admire them for it. I don't look at insta models and feel envious because I only care about my own well-being. 

I feel its important to love yourself first. The saying is very true ''How can somebody else love you, if you don't love yourself?. This is such a basic bitch statement, but it is true. The key to learning is to accept that around you. To learn your limits is also important. 

Let the shit that people said about you go, their negative energies will only impact on you and effect your own well-being.. Its not worth it!. If somebody wants to be horrible about others, let them get on with it. It is their problem not yours. 

I think for me, although there will always be a little nagging in the back of my head - you have got to learn ways to make you feel good again. Not letting yourself go especially in a relationship where it is very easy will only affect your self-esteem and this will impact on your relationships. If your partner doesn't want to be pro-active then you have to have self-motivation and self-pride in the way you want to feel. 

I don't loose weight for others; I do this for me. 

Erin