Soldier Boy Used To Call me Baby.

 Hello Lovlies! Welcome back to another relationship story blog.

The universe work's in mysterious ways. It is ironic how someone you ignored in your DMS for months ended up playing a massive role in what shaped ''My Self Worth'' and ''What I expect from a relationship''.

The experience started on Facebook. This guy was called James; he continued to slide into my messages with a simple ''Hi, How are you?'' every month. If there is one thing that put's me off somebody is this simple message. Though formal and polite it gives me no urge to continue the conversation because it is boring. If I wanted formal chit chat I could walk down a street right now and have this. I think every girl wants to feel special when a guy messages her because it makes you feel empowered, especially by being given compliments even though they are only based on the physical appearance.

I think I was bored the day I decided to reply back. But I was pleasantly shocked by how the conversation turned from boring chit chat to a conversation where this guy made me laugh with his banter which in my book is a massive tick checked. Nobody likes a face without a personality.

Not only was this guy to look at gorgeous and exactly my type physically (I'm a sucker for a Med Man) he generally had a good personality to go with his face. We text for weeks every day (though no phone calls) and started to develop feelings for each other. The only downside he lived in the U.K and I live in Spain.

In January 2018 I came to visit my home country. I was so excited to see my friends and family and of course James. By this point we had been speaking every day for a while and it was about time we met face to face. I remember the first time we met I was really apprehensive that we would not get on as well as we did on the text. Fortunately we got on better than we did over the phone and there was an instant attraction. We saw each other for the whole two weeks I was there. He met my parents and I met his Mum and everything seemed great. I was really upset that I could not spend my last few days with him because he had to go back to his Army base. Luckily enough I had all my friends around me, so while I missed him and his company I spent good quality time with people I hadn’t seen since September.

I remember when I returned home to Spain how much I missed him the first couple of days. I felt really lonely and I wanted to go back to everything I knew since I was born. It was really difficult for the first 6 months of moving to Spain as I felt so homesick. (Story for another time).

Things started going downhill when I got back to Spain. From Monday- Friday he was at work at the army base so our conversations were limited until the evenings. This in a way made me feel envious because though I was getting used to the Spanish culture I took a gap year in 2018 and I felt my life was stagnating. To make matters worse on the weekends when he returned home he would always be out drinking with his friends so our conversations were limited until Sundays when he was hungover and in no real mood to talk. This made me feel really under-valued and I began to feel He only spoke to me when he felt like it.

We began to argue more and more and eventually split up when his promises to come visit me here in Spain never came through fruition and I felt I was chasing somebody who made no effort with me. I felt the person I knew when we first started speaking no longer existed. We cut off contact and I tried to move on.

In April 2018 he went to Afghanistan for work and messaged me the day before he left. He begged me to give him one more chance and that once he finished he would finally come to visit me in Spain. He also told me he was leaving the army for good and he would eventually move to Spain to be with me. I explained to him I was not ready with getting back into a relationship but I would give him a chance to redeem himself. We carried on speaking based on his promise and I was beginning to open my heart again to him because I felt he was finally making more effort to be committed to me. During this period my best friend came to visit me in Spain. I did get with a couple of guys on an intimate level and I remember feeling so guilty and scared he would find out. Although I had no loyalties to him because he had played me around, I felt guilty because he was the one I had real feelings for.

During this period he had asked me if I had been with anyone else. I did lie and I told him I didn’t I. I felt there was no need to hurt him on purpose while he was stuck in another country plus I was not in a relationship with him. But I hold my hands up to being wrong for this, I should have been honest. I do not condemn cheating and I have never done this in my life.

When he returned months later in July he filled me with more broken promises and I finally had enough of his BS. I remember the day before my birthday he had told me he loved me but then hours later told me he was going to be staying in the Army. He knew that was a big problem in our relationship because it was hard to not only maintain a long distance but it also put limitations on how we could be together. I remember my Mum taking my phone and having an argument with him because she was upset with always seeing her daughter’s emotions being played with. He blocked me and I continued to block him out of my life.

A couple of months later he returned like a stagnant cancer cell and we continued to speak to one another. I had a very clever coping mechanism. I was able to shut and open my emotions for him. I think maybe because I was disappointed so many times it almost became normal for me. We ended up just being good friends. I think after all the crap we went through with each other, we ended up building a good friendship. I eventually got into a serious relationship with somebody else (Though unintentionally he had a part to play in our demise) but that is for the next story.

Our friendship began to change back to how it was when I broke up with my boyfriend after him. The tables began to change because James was fed up with the bachelorette lifestyle. He became more of a pub person rather than going clubbing with his friends and he began to think about settling down. Countless times he told me ‘’I was the one’’ however at this point (me at 19) all I wanted to do was go out clubbing with my friends and getting with cute guys. I began to use James as my friends with benefits whenever I was back in the country. I enjoyed his company and of course I was fond of him but the sparks I once used to feel weren’t there for me anymore.

We carried on being friends until we fell out in 2020. I ended up potentially getting in a relationship with somebody I met over in Spain on new years. I made the mistake of telling James I loved him too after the new year celebrations but my new relationship came very suddenly and out of the blue that I had no time to think. I was caught in a dilemma - Do I stay talking with somebody I had a past with but lived in the U.K or potentially getting with somebody who lived near me? I had to give myself a couple of days to think. I decided to go with my heart and not be unfair so I told James that I met somebody here. We had an argument and he blocked me and we haven’t spoken since.

I do wish him all the best from the bottom of my heart. He is a decent guy deep down and I hope from our experience we shared he will take something out of it.

What did I learn from this relationship? I learned that a leopard never changes its spots. Do not put yourself in a position to question your self-worth. If a guy does not make an effort then he does not deserve you. Do not waste valuable energy into someone that is not giving 100% back to you. I learned to not go back to a comfort zone. This is not healthy and good for you and it will continue to make you question yourself even if you are able to shut off emotions. Since ending with each other I am now 100% able to give time and energy to others.

What could have I done differently? Too not go back there. After the first time I should have put my foot down and cut him out of my life. I am not saying you can’t give second chances but after the ¾ time who is the mug? I should have not lied to him and just been honest and I should have never told somebody I loved them if I did not truly mean it, that is playing with somebodies emotions regardless if they have played you around. You should not rise to their level. If he ever reads this post then I openly apologize for doing that.

What will I take from this? NOT LIE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS! Sometimes we say and do things to try to make others happy but in the end you can hurt somebody more for not being honest. Though I am still going to make this mistake as I am only human I will try my hardest not to lie and be honest- If I’m not feeling it? SAY IT. If I am feeling this? SAY IT.

*Disclaimer* Names have been changed due to respecting their privacy. My Story is not here to slate of this person but to share my story to those going through difficult relationship problems and may feel alone.