Once Upon a Time I Started Dating My Colleague.

 Hello lovlies! 

It's been awhile since I last posted, I've been pretty busy and de-motivated to write any posts. 

* Disclaimer, all people involved in my stories names will be changed due to respecting their privacy. Within these posts, I do not write them to discredit any person who has been romantically involved with me in my life, these blogs are here for the purpose of telling my stories, for my own reasons and to help others who feel alone in their life going through similar situations. * 

Have you ever looked back at a person and wondered how in the beginning they was never a person you thought you would learn a great deal from? well this is a story about a person that impacted my life very quick and sudden.

Like my title suggests, this story is about a person who I once thought could become somebody really important in my life last year. 

We can nickname him ''American''. I met him at a new company I started with last year in January. 

''American'' was somebody who I started off with being friends only with. I never considered him to be somebody that I could be romantic with, and truth be told I find him so ''mysterious'' that even if was attracted to me when we were just friends I would have never guessed. 

I'm someone that can get into some tricky situations, I suppose in a way I like the ''Thrill'' and the ''Excitement'' and before I know it I have gotten into some sticky and crazy things. 

''American'' and me were just good friends. He was much older  (though he looked much younger) so I considered him to be a good role model to look up too and I appreciated the advice he gave me when it came to teaching. 

I remember before becoming romantic, I would sometimes go out for a drink with him and then after go out on dates later on in the evenings! I mean I remember once him taking me to the place where my date was waiting! (Though this date turned out to be a disaster), I even rung ''American'' after this date and we laughed about how bad it was. 

It turned romantic very quick and very randomly one night while us and some other work-mates were going out for a few drinks. It feels like yesterday when I look back on it. 

Basically we were all drinking and I remember looking at ''American'' randomly and just suddenly finding him very attractive. I remember to talking to ''MOM'' (Our Mexican teacher who was like a mum to us) and telling her he was attractive. She suggested that she would tell him for me, however being me as per usual I didn't need another person to tell somebody I found them sexy as hell. 

Me and ''American'' were going for food after (pre-planned) and I remember telling him then randomly in the middle of a conversation; it was so strange because although he looked shocked instantly it changed our dynamic and turned out he felt the same! Thankfully as I really do not like rejection.

As the night progressed, the tension was certainly there and afterwards we decided to go for another drink but as we were going, we bumped into another work-friend and tried to hide. This is where ''American'' kissed me, instantly I knew from the kiss we had a spark. 

When we were together, we was like little school kids- we were very loving and had eyes for only each other. Which for me is weird because, as people who know me knows that I find showing affection hard because it makes me feel vulnerable. 

We stayed out till 6am (he had work the next day) looking back now and knowing him like I do, there would be no way he would stay out till that time. I vaguely remember us having a deep chat on a bench when my mum came to pick me up. 

I've learnt this now (but dating older guys) he hadn't contacted me over the weekend, which was making me go crazy because I just wanted to know that he felt the same as me. I know i'm an overthinker but its hard trying to not sound like a crazy person when you can't get somebody off your mind, no matter how much you try. 

Over the following week, we did not see each other until the Friday due to working in different places but I couldn't wait to see him. We went for more drinks at work - ''Mom'' was in between us which was frustrating us both but we were trying to be respectful. When she left we were outside talking when he told me that he really liked me. ''American'' really doesn't show his feelings, but when he had a few drinks he lets his guard down, so I knew he was telling me the truth. 

We blatantly showed how we were feeling in front of everybody - we all went for more drinks but me and him was paying nobody attention all night as we had eyes only for each other. 

The hard part of us was the fact that he was working so much. At this point he was doing 40 hours per week and I think this is where we struggled to see where it went. 

It was clear that we had feelings for each other- they went beyond sexual in my opinion it was a very emotional / spiritual connection that I don't think I have felt before. He rung me every night speaking for hours on end. We saw each other once but work sadly disturbed this. It was really frustrating and I think for me looking back, I should have been more patient and understanding. 

When we spoke on the phone we worked in two ways - for me to get to know a person you have to ask questions, for him he felt that you get to know somebody just through conversation. This misunderstanding I think affected our communication - especially as I felt the only conversations we were having was either about work / America. 

At this point, I felt it was stagnating and I was happy to go back to being friends, because it was at the point where we could still salvage our friendship - which for me was important. However, when we went for a coffee to chat he told me he still wanted to see where it goes between us, which I was shocked about. I mean we even kissed at work in the kitchen before I finished for the night. 

Unfortunately on the following Monday, Covid hit and they had to lay off half of the teachers. Though I wasn't upset as it was a situation out of your control. He didn't contact me to say he was sorry which really hurt my feelings. 

If you liked somebody surly as soon as you had time when you heard the news, you would contact them? Maybe I didn't give him enough time, but I knew if it was me it would have been one of the first things I would have done, but maybe again we just work different. 

I sent him a shitty email, some of the things I'm not proud of what I said, but I do think he deserved it. It is what it is. 

I forget (but not really) and dated some people in-between the period of this and me returning back to the company. These stories are for another blog. 

When I returned, I was kinda nervous about seeing him - the overthinking I reckon. I sent him a message to say I was coming back - We started flirting again however by the October again I felt this stagnated and I moved on with somebody else. 

During my relationship - I thought about American a lot. I knew the ship had sailed, but there were times where I would think what if. During the past 9 months, our relationship had been rocky. 

From jealous work-friends, to I think us being secretly jealous of the way we were to some other people. It had become really awkward. A person who I once enjoyed seeing at work every-day to dreading saying goodbye to the receptionist while he was sitting there was just super strange. 

A couple of weeks ago, we finally laid all to the rest. He needed to know my perspective on things and to finally stop papering over the cracks. I was honest about my feelings and told him I still cared. I think from the impression I got he felt the same, but it was the end. 

I'm really happy that I left that workplace on good terms with the person I cared most about there. I think this conversation was meant to happen and I feel content with the fact that we may never speak again. 

This guy, is a really decent person, who if he opened up more could make somebody very happy. I was really grateful to have met him. Though the ride hasn't been easy for us, I do believe in the power of the universe and I believe everything happens for a reason. 

Though I feel, I shared a deep connection with him which got stunted way too soon for us, there was a reason for it. I learnt a lot about dating a complex person. It was the first person in what I can remember that made me feel truly vulnerable. An emotion that I hate, as I always like having the upper-hand but it was a learning curve for me. 

Dating an established man, can really take you out of your comfort zone, but you do learn a lot from this and it motivates you to want to do better. 

Erin x

It started properly around March last year. I met a fellow teacher at a new company that I started with last year.