My First Boyfriend, 365 Days to be Exact..

 Hey everyone! Welcome to my blog. Today I am going to tell the story of my first boyfriend.

*Disclaimer* Names of people that have been involved in my life have been changed due to keeping their identity safe. I am also on good terms with most of my ex-partners so my stories are not aimed to be nasty about these people but to share my life experiences with somebody who may be going through difficult relationship situations.

So now that is settled we are going back to 2015!

There was this lovely girl called Rhianna. She was a couple of years above me and though I knew of her she actually knew my mum very well because my mum was a teacher at her school. She was in a long term relationship with this guy called Adam. They looked so happy together, I was always seeing pictures of them on Facebook with their families and I was happy for her. We sometimes talked on Facebook and she always liked my pictures and complimented me.

One day I saw she was no longer in a relationship. I felt sorry for her because she invested two years into a relationship with somebody and for that not to have worked out must have felt awful. I carried on as normal until one day I received a friend request and message from Adam. I also knew of Adam because he also went to the school that my mum worked at though he was 5 years older than me so our paths never crossed.

Me and Adam spent quite a time talking. It was never anything deep from what I remember but I enjoyed speaking to him. He seemed fun to be around and we decided to meet up.

I remember our first date quite well. I remember going for dinner with him and having a good time. We laughed and joked and it felt pretty natural. We walked along the seafront and was sitting there on the beach talking when I remember him saying ''I had eyes he could look into all day'' and I remember feeling sparks. We ended up kissing and then became a couple. I felt bad getting with Adam quite quickly after his breakup with Rihanna. She was always very nice to me and I felt like I hurt her. She called me a slut and at the time I reacted badly to this insult but I know now she only said this through hurt and anger. We now get on and we talked this through and I sent her an apology.

I knew he was special and I decided to give him my virginity. My virginity meant a lot to me back then and I knew I did not want to just have sex with anybody unless the person were important. Looking back the first 5 months of our relationship were bliss. I really felt like I loved him.

I remember he used to work 7 days a week. I was still in college so we only managed to see each other 3 times a week in the evenings. Looking back that was a healthy amount to see a partner but at the time it was really frustrating fitting in time together because he lived in the center of Brighton, so by the time he caught the bus to come to see me it would not be until 9 at night.

As our relationship continued problems started to arise. Though I feel and felt incredibly sorry for him because he deserved to be treated amazingly. He had a lot of problems with his home life and childhood. This caused frequent problems such as jealousy and as a 16-year old I was not mature enough and at a point in my life to deal with what stemmed back from his childhood. As a result from what he witnessed he suffered from mental health problems and I just could not handle them. I felt like it was draining my energy from the inside and out. We used to talk a lot about his problems and we tried the best we could to help him recover. To give him credit, he was so determined to fix himself. I still feel I could have tried harder to be a support system to him.

As more time went on more pressure kept building. I knew I was moving to Spain and I was going to be leaving him behind. Our families and friends never really connected so this also caused friction at the best of the time and I knew deep in my heart we came from two different worlds.

Do not get me wrong, we also had fun times together and he had some fantastic qualities. I remember On Christmas Eve he came all the way to my house to drop round about 15 presents hand wrapped so I could open them on Christmas day and Valentines' day when he gave me this beautiful box of Roses and an iPhone 6. He was a very loving and thoughtful partner.

11 months later and a month before we split up we went on holiday with my family. He never really managed to bond with my parents and promised me on this holiday he would make more effort to spend time with them so I got really excited. My family's acceptance of my partners is so important in my life and I just wanted them to see the great qualities I did. Unfortunately I was very disappointed, I felt he never did spend the time he promised me and was only there on holiday with the aim to get drunk all the time and was always wanting to be by himself. It was very stressful having my parents on my back to why he was being ill-mannered.

I realized soon into that holiday then I developed the ''ICK'' I think every girl has experienced this in their life and I felt awful especially for having with my boyfriend. The thought of him touching me made me feel sick and I felt like it was a chore to be in his company. Being on the holiday with the one you love is meant to be a fantastic time but for me, It was the worst holiday I had been on. I was miserable, not acting myself, and had no energy. At 16 you would want to go out clubbing in a foreign country, making love to your boyfriend and overall just having a great time but for me the best day of that holiday was him being ill in the hotel room so I could be by myself for the whole day. We argued a lot, I remember telling my uncle in the pool about what was going on and was just sobbing my heart out and I even got sunburnt!. Adam started to act jealous and possessive of me and had an argument with me over the fact I wanted to go shopping with my mum. It all became too much. I felt awful too that he had come away with my family and had no comfort from home so I tried my best to get rid of this feeling and be a good girlfriend but it was difficult. I was unhappy with everything that had been going on in our lives together and it all became too much for me. I felt that spending two full weeks together instead of a couple of hours a week made that feeling of coming from two different worlds intensify.

We arrived home and I needed a break. We ended up in a massive argument with me telling him I was not happy. I remember him on gay pride coming all the way to my house when I told him that. We sat and spoke about all our problems and decided to give it one more try.

We tried really hard but I was still feeling exactly how I did before. The days were getting closer and closer to our 1 year anniversary and I knew it was over on my behalf. I felt so guilty and awful, I knew I had this man in front of me who loved me with all his heart but I knew I did not love him back.

A day before my anniversary I remember sobbing my heart out to my best friends. They knew everything about my relationship and could see how stressed I was. I knew I needed to break up with him but I was in a dilemma. Do I dump him now or do I declare my love for him to only dump him days later? Either way I knew it was cruel and would end up hurting him. But I made the decision to end things that day as I could not go on lying another further and damaging his self-esteem.

I broke him with him on text. A years relationship went down the drain and I took the cowardly way out and did not even have the guts to tell him this too his face. Even to this day, I feel guilty about that. I should have grown some balls and had more respect for him. I turned cold after that. He cried on snap chat to me and to my friends but I did not even bat an eyelid as I just wanted him gone. You should never make someone feel they are not good enough for you and I was very wrong for doing that. I should have had more remorse and put my self in his position. He opened his heart to me when I knew letting people in for him did not come easy. I let him down badly and karma did have a funny way of repaying people back. We eventually lost contact and moved on with our lives, though now we are in a good place and I did apologize for hurting him.

He is now in a long term relationship with a beautiful girl he has recently proposed too. They look very happy and their family connect really well. I am incredibly happy for him because he is a good person and deserves to be loved.

The moral of my story is too be honest and open about how you feel. When a gut feeling is telling you something you should listen to it more often because it proves to be correct. If you are not happy with someone, you should tell them how you feel regardless of the outcome. Do not be afraid to be open, even if it is hurting somebody in the process but be kind. Put yourself in somebody else position because having empathy is a good trait to have. My first relationship really taught me a lot about myself and has helped me to become the person I am today. Every person deserves to be happy. We all make mistakes and we all hurt people that is just human nature. But learn from your mistakes otherwise you will be unable to grow as an individual. I have accepted that I made mistakes and so did he. But do not waste valuable energy into something you feel deep down will not improve.

Erin x